


although my lips are blue and i'm cold

by nonbinarynino



Series: rest and relaxation [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Other, POV Second Person, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-12 04:43:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20983553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nonbinarynino/pseuds/nonbinarynino
Summary: You walk home alone.





	although my lips are blue and i'm cold

You can't even count on both hands how many nights in a row have ended like this. What once was unknown to you is now your nightly routine. Nights of going to sleep early are definitely beyond you now. Now it's staying up till morning, arguing with him over video games, trying desperately to stay awake even when your eyes have long since started to battle you. The circles that always appear underneath your eyes, inevitable, are never enough to deter you from doing it all again. Your sleep schedule despises you, but your heart pleads with you, and you never seem able to resist it.

There's nobody in the elevator when you take him home. The housing assistant behind the desk reaches for your IDs before you even open your mouth to say hello, just as part of your routine as he is. It's cold outdoors, in that way that chatters your teeth and gnaws at your bones, but you've long since stopped bidding him farewell indoors. To break tradition now is idiotic.

You talk about nothing and you talk about everything. He mentions the concept of breakfast tomorrow, and you agree without a second thought, even though tomorrow blesses you with solely afternoon classes. You can be an early riser if you need to be, after all. He talks about the cute boy in your English class, about the girl that lives on the floor above him, about the boy that he left back home. Just a few weeks ago, you'd be swooning right with him, but tonight your mouth feels dry. Agreeing with him feels like self-betrayal, so you look at the stars instead, but they don't shine the way that they did back home. You want to take him there. You want to show him what it's like to breathe in non-polluted air, to drive with him on beaten backroads, to introduce him to your friends. You want to take him to the only quality restaurant in the whole town. You want him to break your barriers, but there's no way to say that without sounding like an idiot, so you say nothing.

You walk him just a little too close to his building's door, watch him walk through the lobby for just a little too long. Turning around is a multi-step process that starts with convincing yourself that it's the right thing to do. You walk away slowly, against the gravitational pull that wants you to go upstairs and keep his mind from going to his bedtime routine and morning alarm. You want to stay. _If he runs out after me, I'll cancel my date on Tuesday,_ you think._ If he runs out after me and tells me that it's not all in my head, I'll fucking do anything. _

But he has no idea that there's anything to run out after, and you have no way of articulating that to him, so even though you check behind your shoulder a few times, you walk home alone. You'd felt so constricted on the way there with him, but everything unravels now. It is more morning than night, you are thousands of miles away from home, and you are so in love with him. None of these things make sense. Love is supposed to be clarity, but you only ever feel confused.

You go on your date on Tuesday.

There isn't a second one.


End file.
